You Can’t Spell Awesome Without Me

awesomewithoutmeSo, I’ve been neglecting my blog a bit lately. For many reasons, mostly because my life has been a complete and utter mess that I was just not dealing with. A conversation with my dad lead to a lot of enlightenment and a want for positive change.  It motivated me. In many ways.  A long time ago, I took a conversation he said way too seriously and I let it make be passive and I allowed others to take advantage of me because he told me that I was too mean. So I went too far the opposite way.  And I suffered for it.  This isn’t a blog about what happened to me, although that story deserves to be told and will in all due time come to light.  But the conversation we had recently started first by him telling me that if I don’t take my medication (a mood stabilizer for my bipolar disorder) that he will not take his medicine. For privacy reasons and because I don’t entirely know what they are, I won’t say what my dad takes, but what I do know is that it affects him negatively.

By doing that, he showed me what I was doing to others by not taking my medication. So that was huge for me. I needed it and I’m so thankful my dad is the wise person that he is and even though we have lost so much with the loss of my mother.  He is learning to take what he’s learned from her too and helping me along the way.


Now to the meat of this blog entry.  The conversation and what will now become my motto, is something my dad said to me.  He told me he understood that I have been through a lot… “But you can choose to either be a victim or a survivor.  You have been the victim, but for you and for your kids, you need to be the survivor.”  Along with this, a random voicemail I received from my cousin turned me onto a song called Head Above Water, which I will link here.  It is very relevant to what she and I are going through.  Again her story is not mine to tell.  She’s amazing and I love her and I’ve told her that if we have to, we can get through this together.  We are Athertons and Atherton means strength. I am slowly working on what I need to get my name changed back to Atherton after the divorce was final.  Which it is. And this is relevant and important because I am taking back who I was and I am letting go of what being a Gesford made me….which was a victim.  And I won’t be that.  I am a survivor and I am an Atherton and I will continue to prove to others that even though I have fucked up…many, many times….I am still deserving of love and respect. I am strong.  I am intelligent.  I am beautiful. (Maybe not physically in my head but I’m working on that.  Others tell me I am, but I have to work on believing it myself.) But on the inside I am an empathetic person capable of so much potential that I have not been living up to.  So from here on out I am going to be.  I will be writing more. I will be working hard on self-care and I will work on helping the people around me who need it.  Out of this, I have found what I want to do with my life and with my education moving forward.  So that is where I am.  The people who have hurt me in my life are able to get second chances from me, but they need to either make the effort that I was making or GTFO. Because I will not allow anyone to bring me down again. I’m deserving of happiness and I willing get there.  

Also Nova’s return to being obsessed with the Jonas Brothers has brought me to their album “Happiness Begins” which I will also link here and it is very relevant.  All of it. So please if you care, take the time to listen to the songs I’ve suggested.  Of the Jonas Brothers songs, I suggest you listen to their singles which are good in and of themselves…but also Every Single Time and Rollercoaster.  They’re good…and relevant to my life right now but also just good in general.  So I will end my blog here.  I am feeling great, I am feeling empowered. I am sitting in a unicorn onesie on my couch and I will be a unicorn…I will be special and amazing.  Oh and also, Taylor Swift’s song “Me“, that’s where my title came from so that’s where the credit goes.

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