Daily Blog 03/19/2019 – A Time Someone Broke My Heart…and Then Did It Again

I’ve been slacking on the daily blogs, but I promise, I will work on them more now that I noticed the $0.05 that I earned from the ads…look forward to more of this, but anyway here is today’s….

Tell us about a time someone broke your heart. And then did it again.

When I was 14 years old, I started the 9th grade. Before school started though, there was band camp. I played clarinet and I was the freshman sister of the previous year’s Senior Drum Major. Because of this, there were many pre-judgments. Her friends were immediately my friends, and likewise with her enemies. With my inherited “popularity” came the people who assumed I was snobby and unapproachable. One of those people happened to be my first high school crush.

His name was aj and he played the baritone. (He told me after I met him that he liked his name to be spelled with both letters lower case.) The first time I saw him, I saw stars. When I was in middle school, I had no interest in boys…so this feeling was new and different and I wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it. My way of handling it was by telling my sister and my best friend about my crush and just acting like a general goofball anytime he walked by.

After the first week, I noticed that my best friend was sitting with him at lunch time, so I figured maybe she could put in a good word for me. I remember asking her every day if she knew whether or not he had a girlfriend. Eventually, one day, she told me that he did but that she went to a different school. I was so disappointed and I spent the rest of the day at home and band camp, moping.

At the end of the night, as I was putting away my clarinet and getting ready to leave, my sister and her best friend, Lisa, came up to me and told me to “stay put”, and then walked swiftly away. I was confused but I trusted my sister. After a few minutes of waiting, they came back and they were pushing in front of them, a very nervous, aj.

I got so anxious in that moment. I didn’t know what was happening. I messed with my hair and I pulled at my shirt and I stared straight ahead as they pushed him closer to me. We stared at each other nervously until eventually my sister blurted out, “Just ask her already!”

He had a ridiculous bowl cut but I remember just being so smitten by him and his green eyes. With a crowd of their friends surrounding us, he spoke the six words I’d been longing to hear, “Will you go out with me?”

I felt like the whole world was spinning and I had no idea what to do with my hands, but eventually I pulled myself together enough to mutter a “yes”.

“Yes?” he questioned back to me in disbelief.

“Yes!” I said, like in a bad movie about a marriage proposal.  And that was literally all we said to each other that night.  I don’t even think I got his phone number until the following day.

For the first few days of our budding relationship, we hung out together during band camp, awkwardly, not daring to get too close to each other.  It was a huge deal though, when he invited me to his birthday party at Brother’s Pizza that following Saturday.  His birthday was actually the Friday before on August 13 (I never forget anything unfortunately).

The day of the party, I did my best to look as girly as possible.  We had spent some nights talking for hours on the phone and had gotten a general idea of each other’s basic personalities, so I was only a little bit anxious when I walked into the pizza place filled with his friends, but mostly his family.  It was pretty uneventful to say the least, but I wrote about it because it really was the first time we spent together outside of band camp.  He paid attention to me the whole time almost as if it had been MY birthday but I remember it just being a great time in general.

After that I was invited on a trip with his family to go to Hershey Park. I was so excited to spend an entire day with just him and at this point, we had started to hold hands at least.  We spent the entire day at the park, walking, holding hands, doing things together and I remember at one point we stopped at a bench and just sat to talk for bit.  His parents had let us pretty much wander off by ourselves for a while.  He asked me if I wanted to kiss him and I told him I wasn’t ready yet.  I remember it being right beside the ride that was like a pirate ship that just swung back and forth really high into the air.  I felt nauseated both looking at the ride and because I had declined his offer of kissing me. He wasn’t offended or upset though and we spent the rest of the day like we had.

On the ride home, I was sunburnt and exhausted. I laid down with my head in his lap as his parents drove us home. I remember this, because I think he thought I was sleeping when he started to rub my face with his finger…just tracing everything, like he was trying to remember every bit of it…especially my lips.  My heart felt like it was soaring, but I didn’t move because I didn’t want to end the magic.

Our first kiss happened after we went to see the movie The Sixth Sense. My mother had taken us and then picked us up and we stood behind her car, and secretly I had asked her permission to go through with it.  But anyway, behind that car, I had my first kiss ever. I swooned a little bit and when he got home, I messaged him on AOL Instant Messenger and asked if I did okay.  And he gave me an A++…so the real fun begins.

The following months were a slew of band competitions and football games that we had to travel to and he became my bus partner.  We spent entire hours going to different cities on buses, making out among other things. I remember a particular football game where we shared a lollipop in the stands when we weren’t even supposed to be sitting together, but we did anyway.  We also had a thing where when buttoning our uniform, we would get to a point where we would need someone else to help with the top button and our request would always be, “Do me?”

He really had become my best friend and at that point, we did say “I love you” to each other, and I don’t know about him, but I had truly felt it.

After marching season ended, so came the cold, and indoor band started. He was two grades ahead of me so the only class we DID share was band.  But we made it a point to figure out where we crossed each other throughout the day so we could give each other a quick hug and a kiss before classes, and luckily we ate lunch together.

We spent a lot of the time when talking, telling each other what we meant to each other, talking about the future, making plans beyond high school, even so far as to talking about getting married and having kids. I was ecstatic, because I had grown up with the fairy tale image in my head that I would end up with the first boy I ever loved and live happily ever after.

We spent New Years together, the year of Y2K, waiting for everything to turn off.  His neck hurt that night for some reason, so he spent most of the time at our New Years Party, laying down in my bedroom.  Despite the festivities, I remember laying down beside him, just rubbing his head, hoping he would feel better soon, but happy that I could spend that time with him either way.  So at midnight, I got to kiss aj when 1999 turned into the year 2000.

We had discussed having sex, because other things had taken place. But aj was very adamant about wanting it to be the right time and with the right person, so it didn’t end up happening.

A few weeks later, things seemed a little strange. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t ask.  However one eventful day, my sister had ended up in the hospital for her first of a series of suicide attempts.  I stayed home from school that day because I couldn’t wrap my head around someone wanting to end their life, and certainly not just because a boy had broken up with them, which seemed to have been the case.

I tried to call aj that night to apologize for having missed school but I wasn’t able to get a hold of him.  The next day, I had written a note with the same apology and gave it to him first thing in the morning when we saw each other, he left without hugging or kissing me.  I was so confused, but I wanted to believe that it was just a minor problem and nothing was truly wrong.

Unfortunately, at our usual meeting place before my Earth Science class, he showed up and explained to me that he still loved me, but more like a sister and didn’t think we should see each other anymore. I remember having to fight not to collapse right there on the floor in front of him.  My heart was shattered.  I didn’t say a word to him, but I turned around and walked to my class to retrieve my friend Jill and went to the bathroom to fully grieve.  I sat on the bathroom floor, sobs wracking my body, while she rubbed my back and said that she didn’t understand because everything had seemed fine days before.  Eventually, she took me to the nurse’s office and because of all of my dramatic weeping, I had given myself a fever.

My dad came to pick me up, but I cried quietly in the backseat because he was already dealing with so much with my sister, that I didn’t think I should even tell him that I had been broken up with and I was hurting really badly.

For the following months, I was a shell of a person.  I had not only lost him, but all the friends I had made that were his first, and even the friends that were mine that had become his.  I was so lonely and for the first time, really knew what depression felt like.

We ended up dating again at the end of the year, through the summer, but he broke up with me again as I stood in my grandmother’s bathroom with my best friend, Joseph trying to make me feel better.

After I turned 15, I dated a guy who inevitably took my virginity.  I regret it only because I believe I did it as a rebound after being so heartbroken by aj, at this point, twice.

We dated again briefly his senior year, but it lasted all of two weeks before he broke up with me because his friends made fun of him…but that, my friends, is not where the story ends.  The question was about him breaking my heart once and then again.  Yes I have stated here that, at this point, we had dated three…count them, three times.  But the last time was more of a doozy.

After a failed relationship with my manager at the grocery store I was working at at the time, I began to talk to aj again.  It was the summer before my senior year of high school.

We spent the entire Summer having the time of our lives and I truly believed that this was the time we would stay together for the rest of our lives.  Though I had already lost my virginity, I still ended up being the person that took his, 4 years after I first asked him.

cassieaj

We went to the beach with his parents and had an amazing time because it almost felt like at this point we were adults…because well he technically was, and I was about to be.  It felt like a dream to be back together and to have all those feelings back.  I truly loved him with all of my heart and even to this day have feelings that would be difficult to ignore if he chose to speak to me.  But all good things must come to an end right?  And the question was to tell a time when someone broke my heart, and then did it again….

August 26, the night before my first day of my Senior year in high school. We were on the phone and things seemed off again.  He had really been anxious lately because he had been talking about going away for school but I had told him that we would make it work and I truly believed we would, but I could hear in his voice that he was wanting to end things.

It was getting closed to midnight, and my mother was becoming steadily more angry that I wasn’t in bed for school the next day, not realizing that I had been borderline in tears the entire time.

Eventually I just straight up asked him, “Do you want to break up with me?”

“No.”

“Have you thought about it though?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s over…” and I hung up the phone. I fell asleep that night sobbing into my pillow.

I wanted so badly to call him back, but I didn’t think that, even if I had, it would make a difference.  He believed that the distance would end our relationship eventually, so why not just break it off before we got even closer?  Little did I know, he had been waiting on the call back.  Just as I was waiting for him to call back and beg me to stay.

The year after that I had my first daughter at the age of 18 with someone entirely different.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had been talking to aj again for a few weeks and I broke the news to him.  He told me later that he spent that entire night wasted, hugging a radiator.  Even when we aren’t together, we have a connection, even to this day I believe.

When Nova was about a year old, we started to talk again. I got a cell phone just so I could talk to him because in those days, not everyone had one attached to them.  I was still with Nova’s father, but I never really felt like I could let go of aj.

We saw a movie together and we ate Taco Bell and one night at 2 o’clock in the morning, I broke up with Nova’s dad and called aj to tell him that I had done so because I wanted to be with him.

He was nothing less than ecstatic and drove over to my apartment right away to sit with me in the car and talk about our future.  I cuddled him as I talked about him meeting Nova and us eventually getting a place together and we both seemed so fucking happy, but….it felt wrong.  Even though I felt like things had been coming to an end with Nova’s father for quite some time, I still felt that the way that it happened, was not ideal.  Just as aj was about to kiss me, I ducked away from his advance and told him I had to go back in to check on Nova.

That night I was intimate with Kyle and I apologized and told him that I wasn’t ready to not be together.  And because I’m nothing if not honest, I told aj about it the following day. I had broken his heart.  He tried to act like nothing was wrong and that he understood that I needed to try to make things work with the father of my child, but he did what he was best at, and he disappeared from my life again.

We had one conversation after that time about whether or not we would end up together and aj worded it like this:

“It’s almost like when you’re a little kid and you’re expecting snow, so you get all dressed up in your snowsuits and boots, and you stand at the door just waiting for the snow to come, but you don’t know when it will be.”

So here we are, 20 years later, and I’m still waiting for the snow to come.

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