Daily Blog 02/21/2019 – The Ball is in Your Court

What’s something you said to a family member that you wish you could take back, and why did you say it at the time?

 

So technically, he’s not family, but…I’ve known him for the majority of my life, 22 years to be exact and his name is Joseph.  We have fought many times, said terrible things to each other, but that happens when you’re in a long term relationship with someone, be it a friendship or an intimate relationship.  The thing that I said to him may not seem that terrible without context.  It’s something people have said to others many times without it being a huge deal. What I said to him was, “You are going to die alone.”

The difference here is that his entire life, he’s had a heart condition that could be the death of him at any time. His death is not something I would ever want to joke about or minimize in any way, but I said it because unfortunately when I am hurt, I tend to take the one thing I know will hurt most and throw it at you.  I hate myself for it.  I hate that I hurt him.  I hate that it’s caused us not to talk for almost three years now.  I hate that it’s caused a rift in our family.  But it can’t be undone.  All I can do is continue to apologize and tell him that I never meant it, and that I love him unconditionally and always will despite my sister not wanting us to be friends again.  I’m sure she’ll see this and message me terrible things, berating me for wanting to be in my friend’s life, telling me that I’m obsessed and I have other things I should be focusing on, but to be honest I don’t give a shit what she thinks.  If she honestly cared about my life, she wouldn’t be such an asshole.

Anyway, so I’ve explained what I said to him and why I said it, but I can’t and probably will never be able to explain how hard it’s been not being in his life ever since.  I see things and hear songs that remind me of him daily and I almost feel like I mourn him as if he was already dead, because that’s how it truly feels.  I have no way of speaking to him without my sister swooping in like a hawk and telling me how horrible I am.

If you see this Joseph, please know that I am so sorry for what I said to you…anything I ever said that made you feel like you were worth less than what you are…which is everything.  I’m not obsessed with you, my feelings for you are the same as they always were and will always be.  You are a good person deserving of good things and I hope one day you can forgive me for saying something stupid that I didn’t mean.  I love you unconditionally and always and…Kelly if you see this, don’t bother messaging me to berate me for saying I love you to him.  You wouldn’t know him if not for my friendship with him.  Just stop being a shitty person and let the bad shit go.  Mom is rolling over in her grave over the things we’ve done and said to each other.  It’s time to end it all.  For the sake of our entire family.  Regardless of what you think, we need each other, and one day Dad won’t be here….and we will be all that’s left.  So let’s fix it before that happens.  I’m here.  The ball is in your court.mejoseph

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s