You Are My Sunshine….

I am a lover of music. It exists in every aspect of my life. In many ways I don’t even think about how musical my life is.  I tend to think that the music on my playlists narrate my life in a way that is almost magical.

Today, I thought about the song “You Are My Sunshine”.  It’s a song that everyone has heard. A lullaby sung to every beloved babe…in particular my babe, Carolina.

When I lost my mom, I didn’t think about all the things I already had like I should have…I needed something new to hold onto, to look forward to.  And I just so happened to be blessed with my sweet Carolina.

If you’ve read my other blogs, you will have read the anecdote about how I told my mother when she was sick that I wanted to have another child, after already having four.  She laughed at me and said, “No more babies!”

“But Mom,” I said, “If I do, it will be a girl and I will call her Carolina…because of you.”

“It’s a good name,” she responded, “but no more babies!”

I like to think that she was the first person to know about Carolina.  And even though Carolina has never met her…not for one second, she exudes every bit of my mother’s beautiful free spirit.  She is my feral child. My beautiful ray of sunshine midst the gloom that was those years.

But I digress, I did a search for the song and came across the version by Jasmine Thompson.  I had never heard the entire song and when I did….it spoke to my soul.

The other night, dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear

I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You’ll never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

I’ll always love you

And make you happy

And nothing else could come between

But if you leave me to allow another

You’ll have shattered all of my dreams

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You’ll never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

When I heard the song, I sobbed.  I cried like I’ve never cried in my entire life.  I mourned the loss of the last month that I should have spent with my children but was so sadly deprived of…

I was never a fan of co-sleeping.  In fact, I was adamantly against it, making sure that all of my children slept on their own all through the night by the age of two months…until Carolina. She would always ask me as we laid in bed, eyes heavy, “You sing ‘Sunshine’ Mommy?”  And I would respond, every time, “Ok but just once.”  And every time I would sing it at least three times total.

As Carolina has grown she has learned how sad I can truly get.  One thing that differs between my mother and I is that she never showed me how sad she was when things went wrong.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of being able to hold my feelings in.  I’m not quite that strong.

Carolina knew that I missed my mother desperately, a woman she’d never met but she knows like the back of her hand.  And when I was sad, she would go to her room and grab her Pinky Pie plush toy and give it to me and say, “It’s yours now Mommy, you be happy.” Her grammatical errors gone uncorrected, that Pinky Pie truly did make me happy.  And it was almost like clockwork….when I would cry, she would find the Pinky Pie no matter where it happened to be, because it was what I needed when I cried. My three year old daughter did this….all on her own.

Because she was taught to be kind and loving and want nothing but happiness for the people she loves, my sweet baby gave me something I won’t ever forget.  Not just a toy to hold onto when I’m sad, but the knowledge that I created something so beautiful.  Five somethings so beautiful.  She has taught me that my children being my entire existence is not a bad thing and that while I have all the potential to be a great author, or maybe a well paid psychologist, the only job I ever want and will ever be good at is being their mother.

Because when I am at my darkest, I have five rays of sunshine to keep me right where I need to be.

You Are My Sunshine – Jasmine Thompson

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