It reminds me how it all went wrong…

I have so many emotions flowing through me right now that I feel its only best to get them all out of me. Putting them on the paper/screen makes it valid and makes it easier for me to work through them so please bear with me.
Last night, an angry child revealed to me that another one of my children has been sending and receiving nearly nude photos to her boyfriend. She is 14-years old. Don’t get me wrong, I was 14 once. I know those feelings. I know that it’s normal, but that doesn’t make it okay. I am disappointed in her and him and in myself for not being better about monitoring what she was doing. I can get over this, but then…there’s more.
After I finally calmed down about that, I had her give me her phone so I could check for the pictures and make sure they were gone. I’m aware that they will probably always be out there somewhere, but I’m trying not to think about that. But in doing this, I came across a conversation where she was bragging about how mean she is to her siblings and how she literally doesn’t care if we die…her siblings, and me…because I’m mean to her. This wasn’t a result of my being upset over the nearly nude pictures, this was a normal conversation with no specific prompting.
This hurts me so immensely and for a lot of reasons. Firstly, that is just something you just don’t say about anyone, let alone someone you care about. And certainly not your mother. A mother who actively does everything she can to make sure you have everything you could possibly want or need. A mother whose entire purpose is you and your siblings.
It was a punch in the heart…a complete and utter disregard and invalidation of my entire existence. I can’t even describe how hateful and hurtful those words are to me.
I have gone out of my way to teach my children empathy for all people but especially the people you care about. Empathy is huge. Not a lot of people have it and certainly not at the level that I do and want my children to as well. After all that I’ve been through…that we’ve been through with my mental health, with my suicide attempts. She knows that she and her siblings are my entire purpose for existing. I know that that is a heavy thing for a kid to know, but it’s true. And I don’t want her to ever feel like I will take myself away from her if she does something wrong…but she should know that I feel like the only reason I exist is for her and them.
I don’t even know how to handle it. I can’t explain the pain that I feel in my heart over it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. There will be a long conversation about this. But for now I’m just trying to feel okay.
On top of all of that, I am still feeling so bitter about a situation in my life that I have no control over. I am angry but realizing that what I’m angry at my daughter for doing, I’ve been doing too. But I don’t feel I’m wrong for my anger. It’s all just so much to keep in. I just want to be okay.

And as I usually do, I have a song associated with what I’m dealing with so I will put the lyrics below and a link to the song.  It’s amazing.

Organs – Of Monsters and Men

I am sorry this is always how it goes
The wind blows loudest when you’ve got your eyes closed
But I never changed a single colour that I breathe
So you could have tried to take a closer look at me
I am tired of punching in the wind
I am tired of letting it all in
And I should eat you up and spit you right out
I should not care but I don’t know how
So I take off my face
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I pull out my tongue
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
I am sorry for the trouble, I suppose
My blood runs red but my body feels so cold
I guess I could swim for days in the salty sea
But in the end the waves will discolour me
So I take off my face
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I pull out my tongue
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I cough up my lungs
‘Cause they remind me how it all went wrong
But I leave in my heart
‘Cause I don’t want to stay in the dark
So I take off my face
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I pull out my tongue
‘Cause it reminds me how it all went wrong
And I cough up my lungs
‘Cause they remind me how it all went wrong
But I leave in my heart
‘Cause I don’t want to stay in the dark

 

 

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