To you…

To all the people I’ve lost in the last three years,

I don’t know where to start here.  To be honest, I don’t know where I’m going with this either.  I guess I’ll start by saying that this not directed at anyone in my family, not my sisters, not my Dad, not my cousin who has kicked my ass in many ways throughout all of this, but there are still so many of you.  So many people that I’ve spent my life doing things for and loving and showing loyalty to just to have you turn your back on me when I needed you most.  But it’s okay.  Because I can still say that I would never have done the same to you.

I’ve supported you through bad decisions or been with you at your worst.  One of you, I met you at your worst and still managed to see the beauty behind it…that beauty I still believe exists, despite the fact that you refuse to even acknowledge that I exist.  I put you on a pedestal and did everything in my power to ensure your happiness.  I put myself in stressful situations to ensure that you had what you needed to succeed, but here we are…well, here I am, but where are you?

I’ve fucked up, big time.  I did things I will never be able to atone for.  I tried to take myself from my family selfishly and I can never even scratch the surface of trying to make up for that.  But I’m still human.  I’m still here and I still deserve to be acknowledged.  Everything that I’ve ever done for you…that deserves to be remembered.  I don’t expect you to ever forget the stupid things I did when I was at my lowest, but forgiveness isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask.  Continuing to be a part of my life, no matter how small, isn’t that much to ask either.  I just want to be able to know that you’re okay.  Because even though you may not care how I’m doing, I still care about you.  I still wonder if your heart is okay and if you’re taking your medicine and not doing things too unhealthy.  I still look at pictures of your family and hope that you’re happy where you are.

I would never ask you to change anything about yourself.  If I have ever, or if I’ve ever given you the impression that I you should change, I never meant to.  If you meant something to me, you meant something to me as is.

To the person I spent years talking to for hours and hours about everything and nothing at all, I would give anything to have you talk to me again.  Even just to tell me that one day we will work on things…even if that day is not today.

To the person I met in the hospital, you were one of the purest, most genuine people I’ve ever met.  I didn’t get enough time with you and I failed you despite all the things you did for me in the short time that I knew you.  I miss you so much it hurts my soul.

To the person that loved me for 16 years and then decided not to, I don’t blame you, it’s okay.  I still love you, not in that way, but in the way that I always have.  I still see you for the amazing man you were as a friend when I lost my mom.

To the one family member that hasn’t forgiven me, I won’t ever give up on you.  I love you with my whole heart and I know that I failed you as a friend and I failed myself and that’s something that’s too difficult for you to get past, but I will always be here hoping that one day you can.

 

To all the people that have stayed with me, thank you.  This includes you, my sisters even if we haven’t completely stuck together the way I would have liked.  I know that you still love me despite all of the stupid shit I’ve done.  You are two of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, well let me say 3 because my niece may as well be my sister.  I hope that one day we can get beyond all of the bad and get to where we are friends again.  I will never ever give up on you. Please know that even though I’m still fucking up on a daily basis, I’m trying…so incredibly hard to be someone you would be proud to know.

 

I love you.

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