Dear Momma,

So it’s been 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days since the last time I talked to you.  Every day, I just sit and wish that I could hear your voice again.  Listening to videos and sound clips is not even close to the same, but somehow it still seems to feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I’ve never known what it felt like to truly yearn for something.  But now, I yearn for just the sight of your smiling face in my driveway.  I yearn for the feel of your arthritic hands and the smell of your horrible coffee breath.  I yearn for the way it felt when I kissed you on the top of your head before I left your house.

I know that not everything I do would make you proud, but losing you has taught me so much.  So many things I never would have wanted, but needed to learn.  I suppose everyone goes through loss, so it’s nothing different.  But it sure feels like I’ve lost something so much more.  You were literally everything in the world to me.  Everything I’ve ever wanted to be.  I know I’ll never come close and I’m starting to figure out that that is okay.

I don’t go a single hour without thinking about what you would be doing right now or what you would say to me in every single situation…what you would think of Carolina’s craziness.  She’s so much like you and it literally gives me pains in my chest knowing you will never know her, but moreso that she will never know you.

I know that before you left, you knew everything that was in my heart, but I still feel like I had a lifetime of things left to say to you.  I should have been able to fix you.  Logically I know that’s stupid, but even to this day, I hate myself for not being smarter, for not having done something to really make you proud before you were gone.  Or for not pushing you to quit smoking sooner so you’d still be here and I wouldn’t feel this aching emptiness in my chest every time I think of your face.

I try to do so many things to keep you alive, to keep you a part of my every day life.  I don’t know if it helps or hurts, but I’m so scared of forgetting.  I don’t ever want to forget those feelings.  What it felt like to be hugged by you when I was sad, even when it was because I was sad that you were sick.

You were my best friend in the whole world.  I never said it enough even if you thought I did.  I just can’t get over how someone so amazing gets taken when someone like me, nothing close to what you were, gets to still be here, doing nothing to better the world the way that you did.  It should have been me, which I know is stupid to say, because I don’t think I could have handled seeing how you would have felt if it was me.

I wish I knew what I could do to make this pain go away…or even if I just knew when it would feel better…or that it ever would. But now I’m just rambling.

I love you…more than I could ever put into words and I hope that you prove to me that I will one day see you again, because all I want more than anything in the world is to see your smile again.

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