I’ve come to a few realizations lately. I feel like I need to write them down and hash them out so I can make sense of them so here is a better place than any other.
I’ve always wanted so badly to be my mother. My whole life revolves around caring for my children. However, I am so so not a domestic person. Cleaning and cooking are not things I enjoy doing. I mean, yeah, I’m sure no one actually REALLY enjoys doing it, but I’m more of the “I hate doing it with every fiber of my being” type. Not so much the cooking, but the cleaning. That’s not to say that I don’t do them…I just hate to.
But my realization is that as long as I am doing what I can to make my kids happy and healthy and they are taken care of, I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to justify my parenting to anyone unless it is negatively affecting my kids. Just because you don’t like the way I do things, doesn’t make them wrong. It just makes them different.
So while I still very much want to be what my mother was, I know now that I can’t be Carol mom, but I can be Cassie mom. A mom she would be proud of, but I don’t have to be exactly like her to be good.
Now with that said, the other thing that’s been looming over me lately is a massive sense of loneliness. Not so much, physically being alone, because obviously I’m surrounded by children that love me. But since my mom passed away, my family has grown apart immensely. And I don’t know…maybe it’s me.
This is where I’ve been battling a lot in my head. I see my family post pictures with each other looking happy. I hear about the things they do together. And I just feel heartbroken. I know that I screwed up…a lot. But I’m still a person and I still love my family more than anything. I feel like an outcast. Like I’m alone on an island, and they’ve given up hope of finding me. I never know what’s going on with any of them and that really hurts me deeply.
I think the hardest part though is that I don’t know if it’s because I’m an awful person and no one wants to be around me or if it’s them just not being compassionate people in the same way that I am. I can’t expect everyone to show that they care in the same ways that I do, but it’s very frustrating to me when I show an immense amount of loyalty to people who don’t feel like I deserve it in return.
Some days, I want to give up and just never talk to the people who hurt me again. It hurts too much to know that my feelings mean nothing to them. And then I think that that would be ME being self absorbed and only caring about my feelings, but why can’t I?
So many people will tell you that you need to take care of yourself and do things for you to make you happy. But when you do things for yourself or you want people in your life for yourself, it’s turned around and made to seem like you are selfish. I don’t feel like I’m selfish for wanting the people I care about to either care about me too or just don’t pretend they care at all. Keeping up with the farce is too much.
More and more I find out that things were said about me behind my back when I was struggling. I didn’t have the support system that I would have had if my mom had been here. Instead of trying to help me and lift me back up, the people I love got angry and kicked me while I was down. I know that what I was doing was disappointing and selfish. I acknowledge that. But I’ve never given up on people the way that people have given up on me…and I never would. Even now, after being let down by these people, if it were the other way around, I would still be there with my hand outstretched to hold them up.
Maybe…it’s just me. But I think that if you love someone and you care about them, their feelings should matter to you. If you are doing something that hurts them, even if it doesn’t make sense to you, try to come up with a compromise to fix it instead of being angry because it seems stupid to you. Especially if that person is willing to admit that they know their feelings aren’t very logical.
Edit: I want to make clear that through everything, all of my mistakes and stupid decisions… there was one person who stood beside me the entire time. My dad was my rock even though what I was doing drive him crazy. He never once gave up on me and I will never ever be able to show him how much that means to me.
I guess I’m done venting. Thanks for reading.