What I’ve learned during the hardest months of my life…

Things in my life have calmed down so I feel safe to write a new blog. I won’t get into too much detail about what I’ve been through in the last few months. However, what should be known is that between November and up until about two weeks ago, my children were taken by child protective services and placed with my in laws. We were told that they were being taken into state custody and that we had 90 days to complete the services they offered to get them back. Two weeks ago, I was shocked when I received a phone call from the dreaded woman I came to hate and was told that they were giving us our children back and we weren’t being found guilty of anything. The change in circumstances was so drastic and so quick but so wonderful. I really had believed that I wouldn’t see my children again for several weeks if not months.

If I learned anything from this nightmare, it was that there is something worse than losing my mom…and that’s losing my children, temporarily or not. The weeks I spent devastated hoping just to see my children for a couple hours were the hardest weeks of my life. Spending only three hours with them on Christmas was heartbreaking. Thinking about how disappointed my mom would be just added to the pain. 
Even though I hated having to go through that, it motivated me to take better care of myself. Being alone, basically homeless, living in a women’s shelter proved that I truly could feel worse than I have the last four years going through her illness and ultimately her death. My kids deserved better than what I was giving them. 

Today though…and since I’ve had them back, even though the pain lingers from that, I’ve come back to thinking about my mom. Listening to a song that I will post has made me feel sad that my mom fought for so long just for us. I know that she wouldn’t have had it any other way and her strength in doing so will forever be an inspiration, but I can’t imagine the pain she endured doing this for us. And what did I do? I invalidated it by trying to go with her. She stayed for as long as she possibly could. After she tried to stay, I tried just as hard to go. She deserves to be honored better than that. 

I won’t say that I still won’t make mistakes, that I won’t relapse…but I am trying. I need to make her proud and make her sacrifice worth something. She could have easily let go…taken the easy way out as my dad would say, like I tried. Sometimes I wonder if we should have told her it was okay to go sooner. I feel selfish that we didn’t. But I always wonder if she would have been hurt by our saying that. She did everything for us. 

I will never stop regretting that I wasn’t there holding her hand, that I don’t remember saying goodbye to her.  

Turn away 

‘Cause I’m awful just to see 

And all my hairs abandoned all my body

All my agony

Know that I will never marry

Baby, I’m just soggy from the chemo

I’m counting down the days to go

This just ain’t livin’

And I just hope you know

I will not kiss you (kiss you)

Lips are chapped and faded

Call my (turn away)

Lips are chapped and faded (faded)

Kiss you (kiss you)

Lips are chapped and faded

Call my (turn away)

Lips are chapped and faded (faded)

If you say (if you say)

Goodbye today (goodbye today)

I’ll ask you to be true (I’ll ask you to be true)

‘Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

Cancer by Twenty One Pilots

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s