The Hardest Job I’ve Ever Had…

Just so happens to be the one that is the most fulfilling.  I’m sure it’s easy for you to figure out that I mean being a mother.

As I sit here listening to Carolina pound her bottle against the wall in an attempt to avoid sleep, I am reminded of this scene that happened just earlier today. 

With all the anxiety I feel on a daily basis, these moments are the ones that have kept me here.  Through several suicide attempts and proactive/preventative hospital visits, the only thing that has given me even a glimmer of hope is the 5 little humans I created.  The special moments I get with them on a daily basis and often take for granted.

I watch with tears in my eyes every year as they start a new year of school, as they win awards for not only their academic achievements but for their character.  I’ve heard a speech from a teacher claiming Jovie will one day be a darn good president because she is one of the sweetest souls she’s ever met.  I listened to a teacher go on and on about how Nova belongs in a magnet school because her intelligence and artistic talent were far beyond most kids her age.  I’ve seen the tears in my parents’ eyes when they found out that after 6 girls, they were finally getting their boy.  These are not only feelings that make me proud to have them, but when I really think about it, I took part in creating these wonderful people.  I taught Nova how to speak and nurtured her love of art that has now changed from drawing to digital art.  When I’m feeling my most worthless, I have 5 amazing children that prove I am worth something because even though their flaws are probably caused mostly by things I’ve done or not done, their strengths and good qualities are just as much partially because of me too.

And while the good times are what keeps me going, it is impossible to avoid acknowledging the bad.  Seeing my childrens’ devastation upon losing their grandmother was probably the most heartbreaking thing I will ever have to endure. Going through sicknesses both minor and most recently major.

Life is really just a series of moments.  When you choose to become a parent, those moments usually increase exponentially because it is not just your life, it’s theirs too.  Sometimes it’s easy to forget that those people aren’t just your children, they are their own person and as such have feelings and opinions entirely separate of yours.  When you’re angry, the things you say are likely to stick with them a lot longer than you’ll remember having said it. So be mindful.

When I lost my mom, she made me realize that she paid so much more attention to the things I had done as a child than I ever imagined.  Things I thought she had been extremely irritated by were the things she spoke fondly of as she lay dying.  Not one single negative memory was brought up in those last days.  But it made me realize that paying attention to the small moments is what really mattered.

Live for these moments because eventually and all too soon, they’ll be gone.  Hold on to the positive.

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